I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.