You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.


INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?


On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.


At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.