You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.