You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
idk what this dog had been going through but same
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.