@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@Heartblakekid15

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@spinubzilla

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.