You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
is this store having a stroke wtf
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS