@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

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@Prero22

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

@iamburtjarvis

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@mela_shea

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

@AntozWolf

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?