You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Oh my god
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
So the ex texted me
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.