[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?