you can only post this today
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!