You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
huge valentines day plans this year!!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.