You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.