You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Mmmmm white people
– sharks