You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
this is literally a CIA plant
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you want my opinion ask my wife