You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk