@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

You Might Also Like

@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@BoomBoomBetty

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@ericsshadow

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

@LosLos__

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@RorynotRoy

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”

@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

@Tierno158

When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.