You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
What’s so funny?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…