My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I should wash my van
We could use the rain