@bylinetd

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

@Mikecanrant

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.

@BoogTweets

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@SequelsWeWant

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

@AsgardianRose

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

@J_Mainwaring69

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

@TheAlexNevil

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

@HiddleDeeDee

People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.