Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.