You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.