Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I want what they have
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order