@Karate_Horse

You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this

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@Love_bug1016

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

@BoomBoomBetty

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

@sweetg35

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

@QwertyJones3

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

@andlikelaura

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

@Dawn_M_

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@JustMeTurtle

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

@LerbsyCherbs

I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.