You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?