You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Mornin
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.