You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?