Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram
I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.