“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.