@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.

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@obijawn

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

@HousewifeOfHell

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

@dafloydsta

Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.

Apparently.