Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
This is not me but this is me
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs