@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

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@deloisivete

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

@joejwest

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

@SvnSxty

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@lmegordon

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

@good_one_rick

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

@CarlyJGarber

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.