@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

You Might Also Like

@JediGigi

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.

@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@AvgSociaIMedia

Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”

@QwertyJones3

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

@Owl_Meat

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!