You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Breaking news:
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.