You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

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My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off


DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes


Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!


*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!


I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.


Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?




I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.


To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.