Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”