You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.