You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…


Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven


Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.


Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.


I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.


JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”