@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

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@notmythirdrodeo

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

@_steamy_mac

Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

@brakco

I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.

@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”