@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

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@Iwriteforcats

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@rzarosco

MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray

DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?

@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@JasonLastname

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@Reverend_Scott

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

@lasergirl70

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.