You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.


Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying


MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray

DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We’re good here?


We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.


It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.


[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife


Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on


The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.


All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.