@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

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@heatherjs

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@Lama911

Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.

@trevso_electric

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

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@rebrafsim

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

@ibid78

Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”