You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.


Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.


Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.


Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years


I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy




[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this


i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
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[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]


Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”