You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes