You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

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Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.


Dory: I’m a talking fish!


NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one


When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals


I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…


Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it


I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?


What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”


My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.


I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.