You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.


[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt


ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]


Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”


Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.


If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing


*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*


Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?


Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”


Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.