You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
.. do you even science?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.