You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.

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DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor!



If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.


Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”


New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”


How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!


Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe


The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.


I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.


Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though