@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.

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@Audenary

DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

@WilliamAder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@Topcat_007

New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!

@JillBidenVeep

Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe

@stevehasatweet

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

@Rollinintheseat

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

@ArfMeasures

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though