Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You Might Also Like
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
not for long
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!