You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Don’t snitch tag.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Cha-ching is my safe word
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”