@AnitaHelmet

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

- @AnitaHelmet

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@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

@ShortSleeveSuit

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

@itsmovies

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@rajandelman

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet