You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me too door. Me too.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.