You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*


My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.


Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…


Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.


If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife


Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what