You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what