You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool