You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

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COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.


According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.


Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.


Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.


Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it


[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal


How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.


Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*


My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.


So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”