@Daveastated

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

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@markleggett

COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.

@kelkulus

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.

@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

@Fred_Delicious

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

@Ygrene

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@HousewifeOfHell

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

@karri_leigh

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

@AristotlesNZ

So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
“Rings?”
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”
-India