You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Weirdly Wednesday.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever