me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
In space, no one can hear…
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
i have two moods:
?sleep is for the weak
?sleeping for a week