@Eagle_Vision

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.

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@PatsATweetin

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

@ItsDanSheehan

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

@gerryhatric

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.