Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
bro what is going on at twitter
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.