*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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“I’m a diamond in the rough.”
“That’s a whole lot of rough.”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.