@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

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@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@kaytaa

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@onbrandbrandonn

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.