@BriarSlyMadness

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

- @BriarSlyMadness

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@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@roostermustache

Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh

Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*

@UncleDuke1969

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@wildethingy

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.