You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.