You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
so much to do
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.