Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?