You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
is this store having a stroke wtf
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*