You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

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[2 monkeys in a bath]


Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in


Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.


“A picture is worth a thousand words.”

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”


My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.


I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.


Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.