@MensHumor

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

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@sad_tree

*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

@Reverend_Scott

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

@existentialcoms

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

@PaulyPeligroso

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?

@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)