You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
You Might Also Like
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words