@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

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@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”

@humanaaron

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

@aelfred_D

Mom: What is taking so long?!

14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP

@NewDadNotes

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@UncleDuke1969

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

@djdarrellripley

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?