@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

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@Playing_Dad

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

@ericsshadow

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

@sixfootcandy

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@slimmy_shady

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

@dadamantium

Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Want another juice box, bro?

Him: Yeah.

3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@WilliamAder

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.