Please do it!
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.