I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.