you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.