@Underchilde

You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.

You Might Also Like

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.

@DirtMcTurd

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@itrevormoore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something