You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.

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jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.



Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!


Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.


Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries


Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.


2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…


Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!




Me: Shit.


me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something