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Morningbreath
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I am having an out of money experience.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.