*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.
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kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
they mom: he said he want some chips
*a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”