You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell