You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”