You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”