*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.